Valentine's Day

Okay, we all know there isn't actually anyone reading this, but if there were, they might be thinking about the "special occasion" that today is for many, namely, Valentine's Day. Well, far be it from me to ignore observing the day in the style it deserves, so in the movie tradition of this "column" let me recommend that if it's possible, you could perhaps watch "Divorce: Italian Style" or "The War Of The Roses" to get in the proper spirit. Then you listen to "Weird Al" Yankovic singing his original (non-parody) song "You Don't Love Me Any More". For those unfamiliar with it, here it is:

We've been together for so very long
but now things are changing, oh, I wonder what's wrong
seems you don't want me around
the passion has gone and the flame's died down
I guess I lot a little bit of self esteem
that time that you made it with the whole hockey team
you used to think I was nice
now you tell all your friends that I'm the Anti-Christ
oh, why did you disconnect the breaks on my car
that kind of thing is hard to ignore
got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

I knew that we were having problems when
you put those pirhannas in my bathtub again
but you're still the light of my life
oh darling, I'm begging, won't you put down that knife
you know, I even think it's kind of cute the way
you poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
when you pushed me down the elevator shaft
and if you don't mind my asking,
what's this poisonous cobra
doing in my underware drawer?
Sometimes I get to thinking you don't love me anymore

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
you set my house on fire
you pulled out my chesthairs with an old pair of pliars
you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap
you shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
you drilled a hole in my head
then you dumpted me in a drainage ditch
and left me for dead
oh, you know this isn't really like you at all
you never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me any more,
oh, no, no,
got a funny feeling you don't love me any more.

There. I think that sets the proper mood.